Toxic Friendships

 I was really happy to see this week’s blog post topic. I’ve started to grow an interest in self growth and improvement through reading self help books. My current read is “How Emotionally Mature are You?” by the School of Life. I couldn’t find any podcasts directly from them, so instead I found a podcast on a similar self improvement/psychology topic. For this week I decided to listen to “The 5 Types of Toxic Friendships” by the Psychology of your 20s. Over the past two years or so, I’ve gained and lost many friendships. The old me would’ve thought something was wrong with the way that I was acting around certain people, however I’ve learned it’s not always about me. These people have a reason behind the way they act and it can be hard to understand as the person who is on the receiving end of the criticism. 

It is one thing to start a new relationship with someone, but it is another to maintain the relationship and in a good, healthy way. Some characteristics of a healthy relationship would be respecting for each other, their boundaries, and trust. Without that trust, we end up with this relational uncertainty, where we cannot completely trust the other person, and have doubts about the person specifically, or the future of your relationship with this person (Griffen et al.,2019). Sometimes, this relational uncertainty can be healthy in a relationship. It creates a curiosity or a longing to learn more about this person in your life. However, if those feelings of wanting to learn more about the other person are not reciprocated, it becomes easy to turn into a toxic relationship. 

The first type of toxic friendship mentioned was the “one-upping friend.” Each one of your successes are turned into a competition that the other person needs to win. They dismiss all of your successes and compare them to their own. Usually, in an attempt to make themselves feel better about themselves through social comparison. They feel threatened by other’s successes and view them as inferior to them. Eventually, you start to close yourself off to these types of people, speaking from experience, and end up losing the best part of a friendship, sharing achievements. 

The second type of toxic friendship is the friend who always finds fault. At first they could be seen as protective or constructive criticism. But eventually you realize everything builds up and becomes straight up belittlement. We often fall for this type of relationship, because it is easily disguised as care. These people have a reason behind the way they act and it can be hard to understand as the person who is on the receiving end of the criticism. 

The third type, is the friend who spreads rumors. They are obsessed with gossip and always know or are wanting to know about what is going on with everyone around them. Typically, rather than surface level topics, they are obsessed with talking about their opinions on other people and really personal and intrusive topics. It makes you question, if they talk about all these people in front of you, chances are, they are talking about you the exact same way to other people in their lives. It never feels safe to open up around these types of people. They are only ever interested in gossip and “tea” and by some point, every conversation becomes tiring and boring because it’s always the same. They are never interested in you unless you have gossip for them to share with other people. 

The fourth type of friend is the one who always plays the victim/manipulator. Everyone around them are always treating them wrong. At first, you may want to support them and be there for them, but somewhere along the line it becomes clear to you that your needs are never making it into the conversation. They also never take responsibility for their actions. They are never in the wrong, always wronged. But the moment you try to talk about your concerns, they immediately lose interest, or even make you feel guilty for feeling the way you feel. 

The fifth type is the friend who is just plain cruel. They are the combination of all the four qualities mentioned above. they always make you the punchline or make comments about you that constantly bring you down. And often they play these comments off as “just a joke.” 

Over this past year, I’ve found myself seeing these factors in people easily, and making sure I distance myself from these types of people, as hard as that can be, because I know that is what’s best for me. Rather than focusing on the bad aspects of these people, I try to figure out why they might be acting the way that they are. This excerpt from a book a read reminded me of one specific person in my life that I didn’t realize was toxic until many years into our friendship. I believe the target audience for this podcast is anyone like me, just starting their 20s, learning more about themselves and what kind of people they should be surrounding themselves with. I also think the way the host of this podcast delivered their message was especially effective. It felt like I was having a conversation with a close friend, talking about things we only recently realized. They also went through each section of the podcast fairly quickly so the listeners don’t lose interest when it drags out too long. 

References

Beg, J. (2026). The 5 Types of Toxic Frienships. Spotify.com. https://open.spotify.com/episode/1foAUgomeK8VwSRaFzA3XH?si=KCaRF42rTq64srPvf7gZCg&t=550

Griffin, E., Ledbetter, A., & Sparks, G. (2019). A first look at communication theory (10th ed.). McGraw-Hill Education.

New York State. (2017, January 31). What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like? State of New York. https://www.ny.gov/teen-dating-violence-awareness-and-prevention/what-does-healthy-relationship-look  

The School of Life. (2025). ‎How Emotionally Mature Are You? Apple Books. https://books.apple.com/jp/book/how-emotionally-mature-are-you/id6695758310?l=en-US