Interpersonal Relationships
I would like to start by saying this week’s blog post is going to get quite personal. I’ll be talking about a “situationship” that I was in almost two years ago where I felt stuck and like I was not experiencing any growth during my time in the relationship. I can look back at the situation now and realize I’ve grown from that situation, however while I was still in the situation I felt as though I was regressing as a person. 
During this whole situation, I wondered if I really liked him or if I liked the idea of him. This is where the halo effect comes in (Alder 2023). I had a positive first impression of Sean and went with it even at times where he wasn’t being the best person he could be for me. There were also instances where I made the fundamental attribution error (Alder 2023.) There were moments when he would say things that were clearly harmful to me, but I would let it slide because he was the first person to show any sort of interest in me.
There is a lot of context and back story that goes into this, but I will try to keep it as short as possible. It all started around June of 2024. This guy, let’s call him “Sean,” sent me a message on Instagram saying he was going to be on island in August and was looking for people to catch up with. For context, Sean and I used to go to the same school all the way back in kindergarten. He had left after first grade so I didn’t really have a huge impression of him. However, I had this memory that my mom would always tell me about how Sean apparently liked me. I had no recollection of this of course, because I was only five or six years old and that was the least of my worries. Middle school comes around, and my friend and I were looking through old yearbooks. We got curious and wondered how many of these people who were only here in kindergarten, we could find on Instagram now. So we looked people up one by one and lo and behold, we found Sean’s Instagram account. So we both sent him a friend request. I would consider this the initiating phase. Eventually he accepted them, but at the time there was no further movement.
Fast forward to June of 2024 when I get a message from Sean. This was the start of the experimenting phase. I would say this phase moved quickly as we were messaging every day, constantly learning more about each other, and before I knew it, we were in the intensifying phase. I remember he really liked talking about super personal and deep topics like what I want for my future and things that were bothering me. I had hinted to him multiple times that I am dealing with anxiety and it was especially worse during that year. He would then always ask me what was on my mind and those conversations would always get so deep I never felt great afterwards.
This was a conversation that happened every day. It may seem like an exaggeration but it was truly exhausting for me. It didn’t get any better when he came back on island in August of that same year. We met up in person for the first time since kindergarten. All the conversations we ever had were about me and all the thoughts that were bothering me. Ones I wanted to keep to myself because I knew I would feel bad if I told someone about them. He made me feel as though I could trust him with all of my problems and that he was someone who was going to be there for me for a while. We even made playlists for each other. I added some of my favorite songs and for quite some time after our relationship ended, I couldn’t listen to them the same way anymore. The lyrics really resonated with me at the time. I’ve attached both songs below for a deeper understanding.
But because they were two of my favorite songs, I made it a mission to no longer associate them with him and I can listen to them well now! At this point we were still in the intensifying phase and I was really craving something more. Something new even. And this is where I think we were in the intensifying phase and the stagnating phase at the same time, if that is even possible. To be completely honest, there was never a fun, carefree moment in our relationship. It always had to be deep, personal conversations about me specifically. I felt as though my mental health was worsening the entire time. I felt the lack of growth in our relationship as every day was the same thing over and over again. I had this hope that maybe when we finally got to see each other in person, things would be different and we would enjoy the happy carefree moments and have conversations that didn’t require my mental health to decline. I was craving something new and never got that.
He eventually left the island again to go back to the states. Before he left, he promised he would continue to be there for me even while he was away. That changed very quickly. I could tell he was avoiding me as he stopped replying to my messages as fast as he would before. This was the start of the avoiding phase. At this point I realized our relationship was having no growth and was not what I needed at the time. I also stopped responding as often after my birthday came around and he had completely ghosted me. My friend then told me he had messaged her on Instagram just the other day and she immediately showed me the message. I felt super disgusted and eventually removed him as a follower and unfollowed him on Instagram and our relationship was terminated.
I like to look back at these memories now with a positive attitude. I realize that I’ve grown a lot, mentally, from that experience and gained a better understanding of what I need in my life and what I deserve. I think looking back at it positively has helped me become a more positive thinker and I’ve grown to do things for myself than for other people. I won’t say I’m a perfect person, because I don’t think anyone could ever reach a state of perfection, but I have definitely grown a lot. I’ve also learned to not accept the bare minimum and really prioritize my mental health and the efforts I put in to the right people.
Reference
Adler, R. B., & Proctor, R. F. II. (2023). Interplay: The process of interpersonal communication (16th ed.). Oxford University Press.
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